I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
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