She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
