seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
