Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
