why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
