Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
