I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
