I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I wear drunk well.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize
