If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
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