just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
