i just google imaged poop.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
