the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
