It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
