i think my tv is drunk
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
