i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
