I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
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