I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Randomize
