meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize
