Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
