it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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