So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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