I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
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