It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
