Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
