You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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