He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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