is your mom at the bar?
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
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