well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
