My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
