i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Randomize