So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I would fuck him just for his dog
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize
