Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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