i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize