Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
