Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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