I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
