WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Randomize