Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
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