it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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