Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
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