he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
