So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
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