I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
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