WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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