I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
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