The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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