like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
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