Already got asked if we're dating
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
