I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Randomize
