I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize