I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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