good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize