Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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