I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize