I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
