I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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