he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
