Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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