I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
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