like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
my vag is so smooth its legendary
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Randomize
