Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
