You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize