just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
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